Weak Strength

On Friday, April 10th, I received news that Debra, my mother-in-law (Julius’ grandmother) had passed suddenly after a long illness. I was in the middle of texting my family the news when my baby sister responded letting us know that she had to take my father to the ER where he was immediately admitted to the ICU. His body was riddled with pulmonary embolisms (massive blood clots) and death was knocking on the door.

To say that I was numb, devastated and shocked is an understatement. I was trying to process the loss of Debra and at the same time, attempting to make sense of what was happening with my father. “I don’t have time to cry,” I told myself. “I gotta get to Hershey.” I understood that death is inevitable for everyone and sometimes joke saying, “None of us are going to get out of this alive,” because frankly, we won’t. But it didn’t keep me from feeling caught off guard when death stared me straight in my face. It’s like death had busted down the front door, walked right into the house and sat on my couch like, “Whaddup girl? What we doing tonight?”

I was beyond worried. I was terrified. Would I lose two people I loved in one day? Throughout that weekend at my sister’s house, I quietly reasoned with myself, trying to “To Do List” my emotions. I wasn’t prepared. But how would I have been? This was the first time I had lost someone close to me - someone I had real relationships with. I’d known Debra since 17 and she was like another mom to me. And my father, the visionary and patriarch of our family was laying in the ICU with his life in the balance. I had no idea what to do or how to feel. I can’t adequately explain my state of mind other than I was simply frozen in time. I couldn’t feel anything.

Despite this, I found myself, just mere days after these events and my dad in the clear, trying to coach myself back into moving forward. I failed miserably. I was humbled by the pain of death coupled with the great amount of fear surrounding my dad’s health. Buckling underneath the weight of my grief, I kept repeatedly reminding myself , “Come on, Pascale, you’re stronger than this.” Apparently, I wasn’t getting with the program.

But wait a minute:

Stronger than what though? Life? Because that’s what’s happening. Life. Who was I to think I could sail right through life without the weakness I felt trying to manage my grief? No Queen, it doesn’t work like that. My phone background at the time said “STAY STRONG. KEEP GOING.” But I eventually realized that staying strong didn’t mean that I couldn’t allow myself not to be okay. Because the honest truth was that I wasn’t. Not one bit.

So what am I trying to say?

Life will KICK. YOUR. ASS. It can be tough at times. But guess what? We still, by grace, wake up day after day with the renewed opportunity to go at it over again. And if we are careful enough, quiet enough and accept it’s events, we can hear what life is trying to teach. Sometimes it’s in showing yourself some grace and lowering the weapons you’ve lifted against your own soul. Embracing yourself enough to fall apart and REST. THAT’S being strong.

Was I still afraid? Sure. Am I hesitant at times to move and push forward? Absolutely. I visited with my father weeks later after he got home and something he told me stood out. He said, “Pascale, while I was in the ICU, I never at any moment let fear enter my mind. Because I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be here. Of course we aren’t on this earth forever, but it wasn’t my time and I stayed confident in that until the end.”

So here’s the 320Lesson: Being strong isn’t about resistance but rather, acceptance. Don’t resist the natural curves of this life. They are inevitable. You’re better off taking the sharpest curves slowly and increase your speed on your way out of it. It works while driving and it works here. Accept and move forward when the time presents itself. Rest. Give yourself time to grieve no matter what the loss. You can’t avoid the curve, but you can certainly learn navigate it.

Hellen Keller said this: “A bend in the road is never the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.”

STAY STRONG. KEEP GOING.